btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
