I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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