I'm so fucking centered right now
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
