maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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