I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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