dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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