you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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