you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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