strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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