i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
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I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.