I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
