I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
