I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
