Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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