The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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