The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
