I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
