We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
