I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
