true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
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I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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