Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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