highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
