The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
