she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
