The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
