Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Sorry my hands just texted you
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
