My liver just broke up with me...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
