Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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