I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
