I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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