FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
