I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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