oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
