Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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