Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
