You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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