i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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