dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
