In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
youre lurking in front of me
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
