I'm lost and stupid without you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
