He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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