I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
