I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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