Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
