You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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