So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
