He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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