Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
