I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So apparently I’m into choking now
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