so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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