The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We have so much sex to catch up on
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
