Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
